everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize