SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
