Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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