and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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