God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize