it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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