totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
