it's too hot outside to masturbate.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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