dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
