lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Do vagina's smell?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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