put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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