The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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