i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
