A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
