I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
