I'm drive I can fine osifer
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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