I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
