Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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