If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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