i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
