People in love make me want to vomit
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
