Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
