It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
