Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
