I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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