The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
