You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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