I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
