He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
