He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
