Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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