Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
