Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
