I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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