just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
