my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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