"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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