Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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