Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
