I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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