I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
