Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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