Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
