I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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