New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
