The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
