that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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