Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
