I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
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