I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
