I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
