Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Rumble strips road head = magical
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
