All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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