I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
