in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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