i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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