No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
only you would photoshop your dick
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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