At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize