He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
